“If you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying. If you aren’t trying, you aren’t succeeding.”
- Anonymous
Hi there! Been a while, ain't it? I haven't posted anything in quite some time but that doesn't necessarily mean I haven't been writing.
Truthfully, I have not produced anything that I feel is positive or beneficial to your personal development–nothing I feel comfortable putting out in the world–you don’t want to see what’s going on in here, trust!
But hey! I told you that moving forward this blog was going to be about my life and my journey. That includes all the ugly, uncomfortable and painful shit too! So here we go, comin’ at ya, this is me keepin’ it real.
Welcome, please follow along on and do enjoy your reading experience on this brief tour of my life. Has everyone signed a waiver?
It hurts! I’m scared, genuinely. Life does not feel okay. Being alive feels painful.
Why does it feel like I am the only one trying; trying to better myself, paying attention, living in the moment, facing fears, making changes, following Truth, perceiving clearly, pursuing love, and living with passion?
I’ve been under the very realistic impression that my way (read list above) would produce true happiness, liberation and peace. All that it has brought me is pain.
Now I sit here in paradise, in my 8,200 sq ft home on the summit of a mountain in Vail Valley that I rent for $900 a month (don’t ask) miserable, hopeless and stuck at a crossroad.
In one direction, backwards, is old news. We won’t even entertain the idea of that. I've recently come to know for certain that a normal life; corporate job, stability, wife and kids, 2 weeks vacation and saying things like “happy Friday” is absolutely NOT for me. This is chasing external power, validation from the world and a desperate attempt to avoid the terror of living a truly authentic life, your life!
To my right and left, same shit, new places, new people. I can continue training our nations rich and wealthy at a rate that would make any financially rational person's head spin ($180/hr)! And I can continue to live out the coaching dream, to build a sustainable life around helping others grow to their personal and spiritual potential.
Lastly, there's the option to move forward; to adapt, evolve and transcend–to grow!
And I know what you're all thinking, okay?...
“But Mike, the only way is forward!”
“All we can do is move forward, Mike!”
“Stay true to your dreams, bro!”
And all that shit! Blah, blah, blah.
I’m confident that the 17 people reading this know me well enough to know that Mike is not a quitter. When I set my mind to something, and I truly want it, it’s only a matter of time.
I didn't quit before finishing high school, even though I had crippling anxiety and a severe panic disorder.
I didn't quit before being the first one in my family to go to and graduate college, even though I was suffering with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD and had a severe opioid addiction. (I also did not quit when I beat that addiction!)
I didn't quit when I decided to pursue passion over money and started my own business, even though I was clinically and chronically depressed and living in poverty.
And, I didn't quit when I discovered my true self, when I found clarity, even though everyone in my life went in the opposite direction.
But this, what I’m living through right now, is too much. I don't think I can endure it much longer.
I can't keep going down this road knowing I'm the only one on it.
I can't stay on this road because I don't know how long it is and I’m running on fumes.
I can't stay on this road because it’s getting dark and my lights don’t shine as bright as they used to.
I think it's time for plan E; I won't go right or left, backwards or forwards, but instead throw that bitch in park, turn it off and throw the keys out the window.
“Huh? What the hell does that mean, Mike?”
I dunno, I guess that means I’m done driving? Maybe I'll walk, maybe I’ll run, or maybe I'll just lay down and look up at the clouds passing by.
The point is, I’m done efforting, done trying. I’m done trying to steer this ship or control the ocean.
Jesus take the wheel! LOL
Instead of trying, of striving and efforting, I'm going to simply respond to life moment by moment and see what happens.
“See what happens? Great life coaching advice dipshit!”
Ah, thanks man, I try.
Like most things, you fail to see the bigger picture and deeper meaning–that which is only acquired by paying attention–via awareness.
Seeing what happens means Radical Surrender. This is spiritual practice. Surrendering to life and with it all the evil, greed, pain and suffering that pervades reality. Being able to accept anything and everything that comes into my awareness, moment by moment, without attachment to the outcome or future. This is my mountain. This is your mountain.
See ya at the top Bitches!
With Gratitude and lot’s of love today,
MMiller