Good lord this van is going to be the end of me! How can something so new have so many issues? Why is something that is supposed to be relaxing and fun, such a pain in my ass? I just wanted to take a hot shower damnit!
For seemingly no reason, the stupid water heater is tripping the AC power inverter. When I turn it on, it automatically powers off my inverter. It’s never done this before, I haven't changed anything and there’s no explanation anywhere on the internet as to why this is happening or how to fix it.
This is the kind of shit that drives me crazy. Or put another way, this is the kind of shit that I allow to emotionally control me, to take my power. Nevertheless, we got issues. By “we” I mean the van and I. But this blog isn't about my Sprinter woes, no. This is about purposefully deploying emotional awareness to become conscious of my emotional triggers. The van will take care of itself, you’ll see.
The Shift
I think I’m on to something. In my meditation a few days ago it felt like the area around my heart and around my chest softened. You hear about this in articles, blogs and books but once you experience it for yourself, wow! The only possible way to describe it is like a weight having been lifted off of my chest. If you have any experience with working with energy (Shakti), then you know where I’m going with this…
Mind you, this is all being done effortlessly during a meditation session. I am not forcing anything, in fact, during all of this I was trying to release, surrender and not interfere–I was just watching this all go down.
About 20 minutes into my sit (meditation session) I began to notice energy building at the base of my spine. I attempted to release the energy (by relaxing) but it kept building and building until it became so powerful that it exploded up the spine, into my heart and out of the top of my head. This energy also projected out of my heart forwards in what seemed like in all directions.
This energy is not painful or shocking–it doesn't hurt. Quite the opposite in fact. This energy is pure bliss, ecstasy and love. If you could experience an orgasm in every one of the trillions of cells in your body, at the same time, that is what it feels like.
The energy radiated my entire energy field and I bathed in this blissful, loving energy for a few minutes until it slowly began to fade. But it didn't disappear all together! I still feel this energy moving through me right now and if I focus on it, I can intensify it.
These experiences of energy shifts and spiritual transformation are nothing new to me. I used to be able to call on this energy at will, anytime, anywhere. But recently, this has not been the case. Recently, I haven't been as connected. That is all about to change.
In the past, during an energy shift or what people might call a Kundalini Awakening, the energy would either rise to my heart and stop, or make it up and out of the head. But in both cases the energy would retreat back down to the base of my spine, never fully releasing itself–I always felt the energy settle back down and in.
Not this time, it’s gone! I don't know what that means but it's not there anymore. I can't call on it, it doesn't shoot up anymore and like I said, the area around my heart feels soft, open and relaxed.
Side Effects
With this release and softening of my chest I find it much easier to choose love. I don't feel as worried, angry, negative, depressed or as anxious as I was prior to this experience. I am noticing where I would normally choose one of those options, but I’m just not anymore. I am aware of the choice and I started choosing differently.
Before, when emotionally charged, it felt like I didn't have a choice, it was just react, react, react, depression. Now I see the Truth before me, in real time, and do my very best to choose the most loving option.
Why? Because it moves me closer to my higher self, my purpose and my soul. The other options, choosing anger, negativity, or anxious thoughts (aka fear), breeds nothing but pain and suffering.
When I choose love, I am choosing to face my fear.
When I choose love, I embody authentic power.
When I choose love, I create with love.
When I choose love, I receive love.
Triggers
With this new shift, with this gift of emotional awareness comes responsibility–as always. For if you don’t use it, it will use you, so to speak. With the gift of awareness comes the pain of Truth. You will see what you have spent your entire life trying not to see. If you do nothing with this new Truth you will suffer purposelessly. If you act on this Truth you will also suffer but with meaning and purpose and be rewarded.
Take for example, the emotion of anger. When I notice anger boiling up inside, instead of looking outward to find its source, I search inside myself to look for the root cause. If I had chosen to pin the blame on someone, or something or the world I would suffer greatly, for all anger is generated within. But also, choosing love and looking inward also hurts. I don’t want to assume blame or responsibility–I don't want to be the bigger person–I, I, I. But this isn't about what I want, this is about discovering and following Truth no matter what. Rarely will you be comfortable on this path.
I’m working on discovering the origins of my anger. So far I’ve become aware of the emotions of anger in the following personal experiences;
Anxiety: when I feel anxious, pressured, impatient, held back, stuck or out of control
Depression: when I feel low, disappointed, disgusted, lonely, helpless and hopeless
Unconsciousness: when people lack consciousness and self awareness. And when this leads to the emotional and physical harm of others and of themselves
Integrity: when people, groups, or cultures have none
Consideration: when people choose to be selfish, unkind, short, unfriendly and are chronically inconsiderate
Organization and Cleanliness: when my possessions are unorganized, not clean or not in the right place. This gives me anxiety which leads to anger and then nasty intrusive thoughts
Dependability: when things that should work don’t.
(Yikes, that's a long list of triggers!)
The anxiety and depression have always been on the radar and a target for transformation and transcendence but the harder ones to work on, in my opinion, are the ones coming from the outside. I am seeing now that my biggest hurdle to freeing myself of anger is to fully accept others and the world, unconditionally. Other people's lack of consideration, selfishness, unconsciousness (ignorance), and lack of integrity are my roadblocks to love.
It seems like these things are directly in front of my face, daily. But I guess that's the point right? The Law of Karma compassionately provides the experiences necessary in our lives for the purpose of transformation or transcendence from the personality into the soul. In other words, I’m surrounded by these experiences because I need to be in order to learn to accept them. In other, other words, I am experiencing selfishness, unconsciousness and lack of integrity within myself and the Universe is trying to show me and teach me through experiences of it coming back at me. “You get what you give!”
If you see and react to anger in another, the Universe is compassionately showing you that you yourself are angry.
If you continually lie, deceive and manipulate, the Universe is going to compassionately provide you with consequences (suffering) of these actions until you learn.
And lastly, if you judge those who are less conscious, intelligent or aware, the Universe is compassionately trying to teach you just how unconscious, unintelligent and asleep you truly are.
Remember, it works both ways! If you fire off love into the world daily, moment by moment; embody it, share with it, create with it–you will bring the love of the Universe directly into you, and there is no better feeling that exists then the love of The Divine.
Gratitude
I want to finish off this piece by taking a moment to pause and appreciate my life and the people in it–a moment of gratitude. You see, I haven't been doing all that great lately and I think it’s really important, especially during low periods, to take the time to stop and express gratitude for your life, and those in it, including yourself.
I am extremely fortunate! There's no doubt about it! Without my family to financially support me in times of need and for their unconditional love and support I’d be in a really bad spot–probably be dead or homeless. Although words will never be enough, I am eternally grateful.
To my lover, best friend and adventure partner, without you I would be lost. You are my compass home and the foundation that it unshakably stands. Although words will never be enough, I am eternally grateful.
And lastly, here are a few things that I am grateful for about myself.
I am grateful for being a good listener, one who cares about others and who is kind and generous with both his time and resources. I am grateful for the awareness I have acquired and how I use it for the betterment of others. I am grateful for being physically fit, healthy and for not drinking or eating in excess. I am grateful for the gift of precision. And lastly, I am grateful for being responsible, dependable and trustworthy.
Thank you kindly for reading my words today.
With gratitude,